The Case For Crying In Public

Crying probably needs to be on my to-do list every day.

Do you feel how emotions and experiences pile up throughout the week? We think they’re tiny and insignificant. Eventually, though, we feel weighed down, blocked, numb, and a nagging sense of disconnection from our lives. We can’t point to a specific reason why.

I try to identify where the dull ache originated.

Was it the interview where I said something stupid?

Was it the army of ants I found in my kitchen Monday and again on Tuesday?

Was it the dozen lice I had to comb out of my daughter’s hair for hours?

Was it the negative critique I received in my writing class?

Inevitably, it comes back to the question, Is there something wrong with me?

It only takes a few minutes for a general sense of discontent and disappointment to turn into a vicious attack on my very identity.

I rest my head against the railing beside my table in the upstairs cafe of my local co-op, unable to sit tall and strong anymore. I let my thoughts spin outrageous, destructive stories. I let the critical questions keep flying in from all directions. I wonder what I’ve done to find myself here.

I don’t care about trying to be cheery. I sink into the sadness, the regret, the suffering of what it means to be alive. I have serious doubts whether I can go on. I question everything. I want to pull the plug on all my passions. I feel sick of being me.

I sweep all the residue into a pile. Then, like clockwork, the tears trickle down my cheeks. Surrender doesn’t come easy, but when I sink into the grief, it’s always a welcome relief.

I don’t care who sees me crying. I don’t give a fuck about what it looks like to have this personal moment in a public setting. Can you imagine if we made crying more normal, instead of something we do alone or in secret?

You might be surprised to hear that the above experience took maybe fifteen minutes max, and afterward, I felt clean, refreshed, awake, and lighter. Tears are the flood that breaks the dam. The shit from the week is finally free to flow out. While Michael Jackson sings over the speakers, people push full carts of cheese and bread, and employees restock shelves, I have myself a little soul shower.

A good, healthy cry today at the co-op…done and done!

I might just put it back on my to-do list tomorrow, too.